Archive for July, 2003

Bcoz of PCOS

Firstly, thanks so much to all of you who have supported me with such words of kindness, even people I hardly know. Who says Malaysians are unfriendly?!

So I visited my gynae today. Bad news and good news, and since I’ve been so depressed lately, I’ll start with the good news. I have no growths in my womb, so no uterine polyps (yay!) and I did not have a miscarriage (double yay! – I was more worried about this because – those who know me also know this – I am very emotional about these things). So no surgery is required, thank the Lord.

The bad news is, I have polycystic ovarian syndrome, which my gynae says happens to one woman in ten. The strange thing is three of my friends have PCOS, and now four, including me. I have been put on some kind of hormonal pills to regulate my ovulation for three months, after which we’ll see if I’m ok. There is apparently no guarantee that it works, because apart from extreme stress and extreme starvation being linked to the cause of PCOS, there is no solid explanation why it happens.

PCOS, in simple terms, is when your eggs are stuck in your ovaries and cannot be released. During my ultrasound, Dr Kim found one of my ovaries being slightly larger than the other, which is one of the symptoms. I asked her what the worst case scenario is and she said that it may complicate matters if I want to have kids again *sniff*. But I have hope because two of my friends who had PCOS are now pregnant, so I’m not overly worried.

I don’t want to worry too much now and I am taking it easy with my diet as well. I’ve thought about what I’d do if I’m not ever going to get pregnant again but Lokes has discouraged me from thinking too far ahead. At least we have Raeven, he says. I can’t help feeling sorry for myself, wondering if it’s something I’m doing or not doing that’s causing this.

But you know what, I’m happier already knowing I don’t have to go through surgery and don’t have warts in my womb!

And that I have friends like all of you who have shown me so much support. Thanks so so much, you guys!

Well, back to work. The last week I’ve not been able to concentrate much due to this. Now I have a mountain of work piled up!

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A period of 13 days

Today is day 13.

It may not be appropriate to discuss this with people I don’t know but this IS my journal – and my only journal – maybe someone can shed some light on this.

I have been spotting for 13 days. This has never happened before and I’m seeing my gynae on Wednesday. Some research online has led me to believe that I have uterine polyps, which sounds horrible (and IS horrible because it’s really warts in your womb). It’s not terminal, but Lokes is worried and I am, but I don’t want to think about it. I’ve had a relatively healthy life, obesity withstanding, up until now.

My mom, I found out years ago, had fibroid (not cystic fibrosis – *slap head* – thanks, Rach!) but she chose not to remove it because the doctor said it was better not to touch it since she was approaching menopause. Not that they are the same thing, although they happen in the same part of a woman’s body (the womb, more specifically the endometrial layer), but I am a little worried coz Lokes and I are thinking of trying again end of this year. Minor surgery may be required, but I’m not sure.

Gosh, everything seems to be falling apart! Yesterday evening, I just felt like breaking down again and I quickly told Lokes, who managed to stop me, which I’m not sure is wise. Maybe it takes longer to get over these kinds of things.

I’ve never been so morbid before. Even when I found out I had Hepatitis B (got it from my mom) halfway when I was pregnant with Raeven. I did cry a bit, blaming my hapless mother, and then blaming myself for the possibility that I may inflict my child (not even sure if she is now, can only check when she’s old enough to take a blood test). Yes, even through that I had simply told myself that I would need to live my life a little more now.

Anyone who knows me well, knows this. Happy, cheerful Jenn. The days I used to laugh like nobody’s business seem so far away. Everything is so serious these days. I do my charity chuckles now and then but that’s it.

Ivlynn was talking about being unsure this afternoon during lunch – unsure about getting married (now she’s pregnant). It sounded fleeting but it stuck in my mind. I love being married and pregnant. But I don’t like the money thoughts, the future-seeing, the career-weighing. All this thinking is just not good for me.

And I can’t even start over again.

I’ll ask Dr Kim to do a liver test for me as well on Wed, just to see if my Hep B is acting up.

Gosh, I am sick.

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And I move on

Maybe it’s denial. Maybe it’s strength. I have no idea, actually.

Yesterday went by in a blur. I took my time doing what I was supposed to do, really going through the motions, really being careful, and I hope I was perfect.

The fact is I hate doing anything repetitive. Lokes says it’s natural to hate repetition. I hope so.

Anyway, I went on a game-buying binge yesterday (Pastikan Ori!). You can call it retail therapy except games also let you vent out at aliens and goblins with I-Mod guns and schimitars. My Shadows of Undrentide disc had problems (cldnt install), so I’d have to go change it. Brigitte is asking for more reviews and I told her I’d have to play the games first. She’s giving me more than a week but I don’t think I should stretch it, which is also good for me so I get to play for work more.

In the meantime, I’m playing Elite Force II, which is surprisingly good. Graphics are quite superb and since I did not play Elite Force 1, being in Star Fleet Academy and all was a real kick. I actually tucked Raev in at 8.30pm and I myself fell asleep with her, only to wake up at 12.30am. I fired up EF2 and played til 3am.

My ‘aunt’ has gone. After 11 days. I was gonna visit the gynae today but since it’s gone, I’m hoping ‘she’ will return to her usual schedule.

My ‘real’ aunt is visiting 2 Aug from UK. She and Uncle Francis will be staying with us for a couple of days before going back to BG. Would be fun!

It’ll take a few days before I’m my opinionated self again. Having been stripped down can be a blow to your self-esteem, and I need to pull myself together again before having opinions. Justin tells me I’m too emotional, that I should detach myself from my work. I can’t. My passion drives me. Without it I am unable to write. How can I not feel?

Ah well. It’s the weekend and I’m going to enjoy it with my ever-positive, sunshiney hubby and my silly little girl. You get yours as well.

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One of the worst days of my life

It’s been a while since I’ve been so sad.

I guess it was a long time coming. I’ve had it good for so long, years in fact, that I had forgotten how it felt to be depressed and have the life sucked out of me so fast that I was winded for the whole day. I cried for a good half hour. I had lunch at 5pm, but had one of my most favourite things in the world to feel better (a turkey ham sandwich). Before that, I saw one of my editors, who made me feel a little better about myself. Picked up Neverwinter Nights’ latest XP, Shadows of Undrentide, and what was left of my day brightened a little.

Don’t worry, if ure worried. Nothing drastic happened, and it WAS my fault so I have nothing and noone to blame. It’s just one of things you knew was just around the corner, looming, but you pretended wasn’t there or happening, and suddenly you turn and it sort of pounces at you, STILL managing to give you a scare despite you having known about it at the back of your mind. Just one of those things that you dread would happen and it DID happen.

Lokes tells me it’s only human. I guess believing I was superhuman didn’t help.

I just wanna chill for a while now. Slater…

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Has it been 13 months already?

Time flies when you’re having kids.

It seems like just yesterday when I was complaining about the pain down south as my cervix made way for the impatient baby girl I was to name Raeven. Today, her fingers are making their way to my keyboard. Sigh…

I’ve uploaded new pics of her for your viewing pleasure. That’s Pills, her toy caterpillar-turned-boa wrapped around her err person. She does love to make funny faces.

BTW, Raev was voted the youngest Malaysian blogger by Aiz. I’m so so honoured (and so is Raev!). Sigh *dab eyes* – just hope my host is able to keep this going for eight years, or at least until Raev can read! Warren, do you see this?

I need to get up early tomorrow. Been trying to get this blogging thing working all day. C’yall tomorrow….

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All for the love of Chee Cheong Fun

This morning, after my hubby had finally left with Raeven for my in-laws’ place, I was busy preparing the headlines for MSN (yes, I’m the one getting up at the break of day – together with my sidekick Junior – to make sure you get your fresh serving of MSN headlines every morning!). At about 10am, my handphone rang. It was my hubby. Thinking that perhaps he had forgotten something, I quickly answered it, only to be greeted by a whiney voice.

“I am SO disappointed!” said the man of my house. “The Uncle forgot my Chee Cheong Fun and I had to go because I’m already late for my appointment!”

For five minutes, this gentle giant whom I call my hubby and the father of our one-year old baby girl, bitched about how the CCF uncle, whom he had been patronising for some 17 years, could forget his order. He went on and on about the old man taking his loyalty for granted, about his tastebuds have now been unfairly deprived and cheated for having expected the CCF that never came, about how his entire day was now ruined, all for the love of Chee Cheong Fun.

Naturally, I had to coax him back to adulthood, finally telling him that he could go tomorrow morning and the uncle would no doubt give him double the CCF he usually ordered (six strips of noodles, six ‘fu chuk’s).

“I risked being late for my meeting just so I could eat the CCF,” he finally said resignedly, as if his best friend had betrayed him.

For those of you who are curious as to how nice this CCF actually is, it’s really not that great. Being from Ipoh (so you get an idea of my standards when it comes to really good CCF) where white rice noodles are meant only to be eaten with chopped green chillies, crispy fried small onions and a bit of soy sauce and oil, I still do not see the appeal of soy strips and fishcake and fishballs drenched in sweet brown sauce, having sampled my hubby’s obsession some four years ago (I’d been in KL seven yrs then and still had not tasted this gruesome ‘delicacy’). The first time I ordered KL CCF, I was wondering if the world had gone mad. What in the hell was all that sauce, and where were the noodles?

When my father intro-ed me to Penang CCF swimming in thick har kou (prawn sauce), my fears were confirmed. I longed for Ipoh CCF.

So what’s YOUR poison?

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On the record

Firstly, my apologies for not blogging the last two days. I had deadlines up to my nose. Any of you writers out there use a recorder to tape your interviews and then hate transcribing because you hate your own voice, plus wished you didn’t ask some of the questions you did, which suddenly sound quite ignorant and/or stupid (something you don’t notice during the interview)? Well, I spent the weekend doing that and must’ve winced a couple of dozen times, that I had to stop for a while.

Happens EVERYtime.

The problem with me is that I tend to drift. I would be curious about one thing and then another, stray off the agenda, only to return to it to find most of my questions answered. And then you get an interviewee who keeps glancing at his list of questions, wondering if we’re EVER going to return, because he’s prepared all the answers neatly. I’m far from neat. In fact, I never really liked preparing questions in the first place, because interviews should be inpromptu, right?

Oh well. That’s why I could not blog. I was busy wincing.

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