A period of 13 days

Today is day 13.

It may not be appropriate to discuss this with people I don’t know but this IS my journal – and my only journal – maybe someone can shed some light on this.

I have been spotting for 13 days. This has never happened before and I’m seeing my gynae on Wednesday. Some research online has led me to believe that I have uterine polyps, which sounds horrible (and IS horrible because it’s really warts in your womb). It’s not terminal, but Lokes is worried and I am, but I don’t want to think about it. I’ve had a relatively healthy life, obesity withstanding, up until now.

My mom, I found out years ago, had fibroid (not cystic fibrosis – *slap head* – thanks, Rach!) but she chose not to remove it because the doctor said it was better not to touch it since she was approaching menopause. Not that they are the same thing, although they happen in the same part of a woman’s body (the womb, more specifically the endometrial layer), but I am a little worried coz Lokes and I are thinking of trying again end of this year. Minor surgery may be required, but I’m not sure.

Gosh, everything seems to be falling apart! Yesterday evening, I just felt like breaking down again and I quickly told Lokes, who managed to stop me, which I’m not sure is wise. Maybe it takes longer to get over these kinds of things.

I’ve never been so morbid before. Even when I found out I had Hepatitis B (got it from my mom) halfway when I was pregnant with Raeven. I did cry a bit, blaming my hapless mother, and then blaming myself for the possibility that I may inflict my child (not even sure if she is now, can only check when she’s old enough to take a blood test). Yes, even through that I had simply told myself that I would need to live my life a little more now.

Anyone who knows me well, knows this. Happy, cheerful Jenn. The days I used to laugh like nobody’s business seem so far away. Everything is so serious these days. I do my charity chuckles now and then but that’s it.

Ivlynn was talking about being unsure this afternoon during lunch – unsure about getting married (now she’s pregnant). It sounded fleeting but it stuck in my mind. I love being married and pregnant. But I don’t like the money thoughts, the future-seeing, the career-weighing. All this thinking is just not good for me.

And I can’t even start over again.

I’ll ask Dr Kim to do a liver test for me as well on Wed, just to see if my Hep B is acting up.

Gosh, I am sick.

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