“I wanted to avoid an argument.”

Sound familiar?

Some people have a very odd philosophy. On the strength of a chance, they willingly avoid sharing information with certain parties that they think will get them into trouble.

Of course, when the cat is out of the bag, they will face a redder wrath, than if they’d willingly volunteered the info in the first place.

A friend of mine told me today that she found out her boyfriend had visited a lady friend that she knew to be what one would call A Skanky-Assed Bitch. He had deliberately kept it from her because he thought that she would get all jealous and they’d argue etc, because whatever we say about NOT getting upset, we still will.

Of course, the argument came and went. A lot was said, with far too little actually understood. She asked me if total honesty was too much to expect from one’s partner.

This is a fascinating, albeit slightly dangerous, subject to discuss over high tea and biscotti. I remember once when Lokes received a DKNY tie from a lady colleague for helping her get this really difficult client at work sorted out. Fearing that I would find out, he hid that tie in his notebook bag for a year. One day, while looking for something in his bag, the tie fell out. This lovely orange, checkered, very fashionable DKNY tie which was easily over RM400.

When I asked him about it (since it fell out in front of me), he told me that so and so gave it to him.  

Why? Because he helped her with something.

What? Some clientlah.

But this is a DKNY tie. You don’t even wear ties. How I know? She just left it on my desk one day (getting annoyed).

And you just accept a RM400 gift, like that? Why cannot wor?

When was this? A year ago. Why are you asking so many questions?

Because you’re not giving up the information very freely, that’s why.

The thing is, I have total confidence that my husband isn’t having an affair with this generous colleague of his, not only because I trust him, but because I know he’s just not rich enough for her (even for a fling). Yes, it is slightly disturbing but comforting nonetheless to know that sometimes, how attractive one’s husband is to others is directly related to how much he makes.

So why did he think that telling me about the tie would get him into trouble? And what difference did it make, me discovering it a year later AND showing him the business end of a hissy fit?

“It’s a gamble,” he said. “At least I delayed the inevitable for one year.”

It’s bizarre really, this need to be so secretive about something that should be totally harmless. Okay, maybe an expensive gift from a colleague is iffy but still, the right thing to do would be to at least TELL your other half someone gave you a slightly inappropriate gift simply because it can pay for your month’s groceries bill.

Is not wanting to argue a good reason to suppress info you KNOW you should share, like going to meet a person you KNOW has something for you?

Total honesty is farcical, but I think the deliberate withholding of information (which is just one step away from outright lying, I believe) to avoid an argument is just cowardice. It’s one thing to think something is harmless and therefore not mention it. It’s quite another to work overtime to ensure that your partner does NOT find out about this supposed harmless thing on the basis of wanting to avoid conflict.

It’s too much like being extra nice to your spouse AFTER you’ve cheated on him/her.

 

 

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9 Comments »

  1. adriene said

    i fully agree with u! intentionally hiding the truth is just a step away from hiding. liar liar pants on fire!

    if it had happened to me, i would be annoyed. getting the tie or whatever gift is no big deal.. but having to hide the fact is a tad sneaky. i mean why hide in the first place? you don’t trust me???

    relationships/marriages need to be built on honesty, not shams.

  2. Loke Uei said

    hahah damn. Can’t believe you posted this 😛

    ok, this response is for EVERYONE and I know, I’m speaking for all male readers here.

    [TOM LEYKIS MODE ON]

    Taxonomy:
    “you” = “women in general”
    “we” = “men in general”

    really, if the tie doesn’t make a difference, us hiding it from you wouldn’t matter isn’t it?

    Why do we not volunteer information?
    1. None of your business
    2. It will cause the “both ways die” situation

    Let me explain on no.2. Why both ways die?
    1. If we tell you, immediately we would have to spend 2-3 hours trying to tell/explain/prove that we have nothing going on with the woman in question. Not only that, get lectured on why we shouldn’t take gifts from women esp. ties, coz it’s personal.
    2. If we hid it from you, we would take a chance to escape no.1. In event we were found out, then we would have to do no.1 + 2 more additional hours of fighting.

    From a “brain” perspective, no.2 is a gamble BUT has a chance of passing through the situation completely without any pain. Like i said, both ways we die, THAT is why we go for no.2

    also, why do we have to take this questioning and arguement when our heart is true? when we already love you, and when we already have no “eyes” for anyone else? Why do we have to entertain your jealousy? Don’t you know, the more you cause and arguement, the more it might drive us to seek for shelter somewhere else.

    [TOM LEYKIS MODE OFF]

    Love you bee 🙂

  3. Tinkerbell said

    Let me explain why there is a hole in your argument 🙂

    If you tell us, why do you assume that you would spend hours defending yourself?

    If you tell us, MANY of us would be very appreciative of your candid spontaneity. Why assume that we would grill you on it? Are you over-sensitive and therefore imagine aggression our part when there is none?

    If you were indeed to spend 2-3 hours defending yourself, then there must be an intrinsic lack of trust in your relationship, no? If so, then it cuts both ways. Do we have valid reason to feel distrustful? Or do you think that we as a species, are born with that streak of distrust and jealousy?

    I seriously doubt the latter.

    If the former, then perhaps both of us could work together to do something about it 🙂

  4. Asther said

    Well said, Tinkerbell. 😉

    I’ve a slightly different situation. How do you handle a case when you have a partner who thinks that as long as he’s seriously involved with one woman, other women will not “go after” him. That he believes all friendship offered to him by some women are pure “friend-friend” intention, and NEVER once an intention to get your partner to betray you & finally succumb to taking her as a “better” partner than you?

    Being a woman myself, I know how well a woman can strategise & hit on the weak points of someone else’s relationship in hoping to “steal over” the other better man from his current partner for herself. Some women are desperate enough to “share” this “better man” who is already seriously attached with someone else. Be it just spending more than 50% of the day with him or having endless phone conversations/sms is enough to make these women happy. But don’t you think this will be a kind of betrayal to the guy’s current partner? Especially when in comparison, the guy spends less time physically & communicate less often with his own partner?

    Well… I’ve have a lovely, devoted man in my life currently & he openly declares to me he’s never cheated on his previous partners before because that’s AGAINST his principles. Being still “unmarried” & ever popular in his office, he’s always being in the hungry eyes of single women colleagues.

    Once, one was daring enough to advance further by getting his attentions with endless sms, phone calls & emails all in the name of “sharing personal problems & dreams”. When I realised about this (through the endless mention of her name in our conversation), I got pretty annoyed & voiced my concerns that this supposedly “friendly” relationship is getting too friendly. But what did I get? A huge fight & being accused of over-reacting. Am I supposed to let this “friendship” continue to grow? Am I supposed to take the risk of letting this relationship taking a new turn and bud into something else?

    Heck no way hosei! He’s MY MAN & I’ll make sure no others come into my “territory”. 😉

  5. jenntai said

    The ‘odd’ part here is that while a man, such as my friend’s boyfriend AND my dear hubby, thinks it is more ‘peaceful’ to keep certain info out of a relationship, he will in the same breath unwisely gamble away what will be ultimately defended as their right to unconditional trust from us, the women who profess to love them to bits.

    Just as total honesty is farcical, so is unconditional trust between two human beings. Even your own parents are never that honest with you. Only if you can profess to be TOTALLY honest, can you claim the right to unconditional trust. I’m sorry, but a long-term arrangement to remain together as a couple needs rules. One of these rules is that you MUST give your spouse/partner, A REASON TO CONTINUE TRUSTING YOU, no matter HOW unromantic it all sums up to be.

    This sort of acceptance constitutes emotional maturity, which drives that mutual agreement to be as_honest_as possible, give or take a few details. And that, my friends, is the key to a mutually beneficial, long-lasting relationship.

    Ps. I love you too bee. 😀

  6. jenntai said

    Asther, I totally agree with your point about some women who like to poke around and see if they can create bigger holes in your relationship. To remain ‘competitive’, I always tell Lokes that although I may be fat and not look as good as these girls, I can BET with him NOONE will be able to make him laugh as I can.

    yes, me the clown wife.

  7. Loke Uei said

    hahaha I was WAITING for the comments to come.

    First off, to answer Tinkerbell’s comment. I’m not assuming that you will start an arguement / grill me if I don’t offer info, I KNOW FOR A FACT that you will. 🙂 My hit rate for this over the course of my adult life is 100%. Someone care to tell me why it’s like this?

    you know that if you came home and told your guy that some man gave you a diamond ring, guess what is the first thing he’ll say?

    “WHAT?? REALLY? SEE SEE!!!”

    isn’t that true? but can you imagine the situation the other way round.

    another point is,these things doesn’t come naturally for us. really, while women always want to tell or make things clear to the men, unless they’re hiding something.

    For men, if it’s nothing that concerns you, we don’t offer that info. we’re not intentionally hiding, we just don’t. It’s a fact. and THAT cannot change. So we all have to live with it.

    The only way we can be aware is to remind ourselves all the time to tell women stuff. it’s difficult. Just like for guys like me, sitting with my legs open is the natural position, i’ll have to force myself to close my legs to “look professional”.

    so, armed with that fact, agree with your man that he will try but don’t vhack him if he forgets.

  8. Asther said

    Hehehe… ya… I always find it hard NOT to LAUGH whenever I’m around you two!

  9. Callentropus said

    Haiyah !

    This is a case of both ways die. The only thing is which way you die faster. If the man go and tell woman everything so fast, then the man will koyak even before he start.

    Where can tell woman everything wun ? Whether got or dun have, woman will sure think got wun. Like Asther say, “I will make sure no one comes into my territory”. Wah ! Already say like that, you expect man to take chances ah ? No way !

    You see ah…All woman are the same wun. No such thing as dun got jealous wun. If woman not jealous ah, means she is not real woman….dunno what kind lah, but definitely not normal. Normal woman sure got jealous wun. Some get jealous so fast, no time to think even.

    So, if pretty girl give man a tie lah, pen lah, whatever lah… Better the man just shaddap and dont say anything. If try to explain, then is like play with fire. So better to put the fire out.

    But very silly to keep tie lah. Summor put in the bag and can drop out ! Aiyah, give it away lah. Or better still, say you get it cheap cheap from some shop somewhere lah. But must be careful because if she ask which shop, then you surely die.

    If me means I pretend I accidentally sapu from somewhere, dunno where, forgot already, and then keep lah. Like that sure can wun because woman dont like to waste things, so she wont throw away. Summor so expensive also.

    Actually ah, where got meaning you go and talk this thing in public wun ?

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