Bonus or baggage?

Today, I had the privilege of meeting the boyfriend of a divorced friend of mine (mom to Rae's friend Cody), who was kinda hot by the way. He had this whole Seattle grunge-cum-surfer dude look that I never imagined any moms I know would be dating, so it was a very pleasant surprise.

Anyway, I could not help admiring the young man, to have accepted my friend and her son. I don't think I know any guy in Malaysia who would do the same, and out of curiosity, asked my beloved if he would've dated me had I been a mom.

"Nope."

Imagine my reaction.

"No?"

"Nah. Guys don't date married chicks. Worse off, chicks with kids," he said with not so much as a pause.

"But imagine if it was me, still looking hot and all like when we first met?"

"Nope."

"But why? I thought we were soul mates?!"

"I wouldn't have even gone out with you if I knew you had kids!"

"But what if you did not know at first, and later on found out?"

"Ah then, maybe."

"What if it was just for sex?"

"Then okaylah."

"So you would sleep with a woman with kids but not want a real committed relationship with her, even if she could be the love of your life?"

"It's not practicallah. It's enough work taking care of your own kids. Imagine having to care of other people's kids."

"But this is a woman you can spend the rest of your life with! This is me!"

Finally, he paused. And the pause was followed by a suspicious squinty look from the corner of his eyes (he was driving). His face seemed to say, "You are not tricking me into this conversation."

"This is NOT a trick questionlah," I snorted.

Truth is, either way, he would come up losing. Either he was an old-fashioned, selfish man incapable of loving beyond his family, or a dishonest fool who simply said what his wife wanted to hear to avoid a long-drawn, heated discussion of something that neither of us can prove.

Even in today's relatively open-minded dating climate, how difficult is it for a single mom to find love? How important is it for her to find REAL love (as opposed to 'true love')? And is it reasonable to expect him to accept and love your kids as well?

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11 Comments »

  1. Jo said

    Hi Jenn

    Not really true on Malaysian menlar… I have a close fren that just married a divorced woman who’s got a 2 year old kid. He’s my brother’s age and it’s his first marriage. So there is still hope for divorcee with kids…. should always have 2nd chance…

  2. Elaine said

    Hi Jenn

    Not all Malaysian men like that. My friend 28yo, looks hot and sexy, with 2 young kids left her hubby for other men, is currently going out with a quite well to do man. This guy is single, proposed to my friend and knew her past. Love is blind huh ??!

  3. Jenn said

    Yea i know. Just not MY man. Tsk tsk!

  4. Amy said

    That’s why I find Chris (of American Idol) to be refreshing! He is looking after and cares for kids that aren’t his!

  5. Erna said

    Well, Malaysian men on the whole aren’t all that open but my dad remarried to a single mom with three kids. There are good men willing to overlook a woman having kids and these men are real gems.

    Me and the rest of my mom’s kids pretty much agree that my mom and dad were the equivalent of diesel and a flamethrower. Bad for everyone around them. That’s why I’m not the kind who believes people should just ‘stay together for the kids’ unless they really do have love and respect for each other.

  6. Amy, LOL. true blue American Idol fan sial. I didnt know THAT about Chris.

    Erna: Very true. There are families with divorced parents and very +ve kids. Maybe it’s just that people have found a way to deal with it and it’s not so much a stigma anymore.

    I think there is a difference between a man coming into your life when you have a 10-year old and a 10-month old. It’s not easy to deal with your own screaming baby, much less other people’s. You must be getting some sseeeerious booty to take that kind of stress!

    Just yesterday I saw on TV news re this 19-mth old father who beat his four-month old baby almost to death (mother was 16 years old). He’d ductaped her and punched her stomache to the point where she’d stopped breathing.

    As always, this makes me think about prolife or prochoice. There really is no winning here. Just hope my kids will know better.

  7. Gowri said

    Hey Jennifer,

    This is probably not the correct response to your topic.

    This is Gowri, a former college mate – trying to get in touch with you. If you do read this message please do reply.

    I have emailed you at your gmail and hotmail account but I’m not sure if you’re currently accessing those accounts. So I figured this would be the best way to get in touch with you.

    Love,
    Gowri

  8. Wena said

    imagine a man getting married again to a single woman, both of them in their 40s. he has 2 daughters from his previous marriage : one is 10, another 14. they were dating for about 1-2 yrs before deciding to get married.

    i’m the 14 year old. 🙂

  9. OMGWTFBBQ!!!! GOWRI?????!!! OKOK CHECKING MY GMAIL NOW!!!

  10. Do you think Malaysian women are more accepting of single/divorced dads? Hell, we might even think they’re more attractive LOL like SATC was it that said single dads have already have the experience of committing so are more likely to be good candidates to commit again (sounds a little silly LOL).

    I think I don’t mind men with kids. Might be a little worried about the whole stepmom thing but on the whole, not too much.

  11. Wena said

    I think it really depends on the single/divorced dad. My dad was having monthly BBQ parties or Friday night parties regularly with his 2 daughters in tow. I think I was 10-14 at that time whereas my sister was 7-11. It was either mingle with his friends or forever hide out in my room and be totally bored (TV was downstairs as well as the PC).

    But, my Dad did things with the 2 of us that even other parents wouldn’t do. Suffice to say that with his 2 babies out of the house, he now showers his attention with my younger cousins, nieces and nephews.

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